Lucidity Pt. 1

Today I'm going to be somewhat existential and introspective. Feel free to not care.

Right now, i'm thinking clearly, lucidly. This doesn't happen often. It's an interesting feeling, to spin such poetic thoughts in your head, only to find out that there's no way you can explain them to others. This doesn't happen often for me, and it when it does, its not really a good thing. It only really happens when I'm tired, depressed, or feeling down on myself, or any combination of the three. Right now though, thats not really happening, aside from the tired part. I've actually sort of managed to restructure part of my life, and while it isn't the part that derives me much joy or pleasure, it is a very real and necessary part of my life. The college and studying part I mean. I'm actually doing that second thing. I'm actually quite happy about it. But there are drawbacks.
I'm not sleeping for a reason I can't really point out. I just don't want to. I can't convince myself to. My need to sleep has been overrun by a drive to study. Never thought studying would be so bad for me. But there it is. There are other things I should be doing now, like showering so that I can go to sleep. But I don't want to. So I'm here, thinking lucidly... It's like insomnia, only I'm not staring at my ceiling. My computer screen replaced that a long time ago.
I don't think I ever slept well. I'd always wake up to find my covers in a different place, or off my bed entirely. I often wake up hot and sweaty, or cold and well, sweaty. My friends say I move in my sleep, thrash. Sometimes I talk. I hardly ever remember my dreams- maybe 5 in the past 365 days. Why?
I'm prone to hypnic jerks. They happen often in class. Indicitive of my irregular sleep schedule. I can't stay awake though, can't focus. My sleep cycle is reversing. I guess you could say I'm becoming nocturnal. I don't understand why. I need to function during the day, there's so much to do. I need to slow down but I can't. I run to fast- push myself too hard. If I just keep moving I can't stop and look back- see how tired I am. See how much the race is killing me. It's a hard race, but I just keep running. I never can tell if I'm sick or not. If I push through and move then it won't matter, won't slow me down. Life shouldn't work that way though but thats the way I'm choosing to live it. I've got to keep running. I can't stop, won't stop.


And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death


~Pink Floyd



The Kid
~Platinum