Reason the First and Reason the Second

So, I wanted to make a real post at some point tonight, but I wasn't really bitten by the study bug until late and now I really should be getting to bed, so I'm just going to close with something simple.

I reached my goal 50 years ahead of schedule! Thats right, I now have 4 followers, even if one of you is, for whatever reason, invisible. So, I have a message for you 4 (3 really, one of you already does this- also this can apply to you even if you don't follow me.)
And that message is-
Blog!
I urge you to do this for two reasons.
Reason the First:
To me, blogging is almost therapeutic. Its a way for me to get stuff off my chest, or just to talk and bs about things that are on my mind. It's sort of like a diary, but anyone can read it. A friend of mine said he prefers a real diary- and I can definitely understand why. But to me this basically is my diary of sorts. Sure, I talk about a limited number of things, but they're things I would talk about in a diary anyway. And I've decided to put this whole thing on the internet knowing that not many people are going to read this, and that those that do, I wont mind it if they see whats here. I'm not slandering anyone really and I take care to hide people's identities. If you're mentioned, then you know who you are and thats that. I appreciate you reading, even though I'm too shy/embarrased to say it. Also, I kind of like writing about things that I wouldnt really talk about with people. It makes me vulnerable, to a point. People never really make themselves vulnerable to another person unless they're really good friends or intimate with each other- and this is a way for me to do that without either of those pre-requisites.

Reason the Second:
I urge you to blog because I only know one other person who blogs on blogspot and I want something to read! You can talk about anything- it doesn't have to be personal! I just want to read someone else's insights into stuff!
Yea... that's really it for that one- selfish I know, but I really think that there's a lot to be gained personally from blogging. Also, I want something to read.

If I come up with any more reasons to blog, I'll be sure to either edit this one and add to it or make a new post with Reason the Third, etc.
Until next time
Also, as an aside-
I haven't introduced any one new to the cast recently. Maybe I'll do that sometime soon...

The Kid
~Platinum

So I'm pretty sure this isn't the way it's supposed to work...

So, right now I'm in the library, a place I rarely go to for various reasons. But, given that finals are upon us- aka tomorrow- I thought it might be a good idea to go to a place devoted to studying. Unfortunately, the internet is not really cooperating, and so far, the only place i can do anything on, is my blog. So I thought I'd update.
Everything runs so slowly here. I suppose it's because alot of the people are using up bandwidth but still... our network is supposed to be amazing. And right now its not. SO I'm here instead.
I'm not really sure what to say, I suppose I could just ramble about one thing or another, like I'm doing now, but that doesn't really seem productive... Ironic neh?
I've always had trouble sitting down and dedicating myself to studying, and today just seems like another one of those days.

The Kid
~Platinum

My goal is to have 3 followers by, say... 2059

Not really though, I'm actually shooting for four. Enough with the silliness. Down to business. Not that I can really conduct business through a blog that no one reads... but I digress. However, some of the time, I do wish more people followed this blog. I'm not really sure why. Just knowing that someone, even if they're a completely random person, can see what i'm thinking and maybe commiserate in anyway is just sort of comforting. Its an odd feeling.

Anyway, there's a more important reason I'm here, honest. This is the time where we talk about my favorite topic. Girls. XD

Yesterday, a friend of mine's girlfriend and I were looking through my fb pictures because I was showing her a funny picture of me from like 5 years ago. My ex-girlfriend was in the picture, and she really hasn't changed much in appearance from then till now. So, after I mentioned who the girl was, my friends girlfriend remarked that I could do much better.

And that got me thinking. See, there's this girl that I thought I maybe liked, but I wasn't too sure, and plus the year is ending in like 10 days, so I'm not going to start anything now. I'm kind of on the downswing with her for various reasons, but after she said that I started thinking. And I realized maybe I'm just settling for someone that's in front of me and available. But maybe next year, I wont have to. I certainly shouldn't have to. I realized a couple days ago that what i really want is a girl who is in a class above me. I have one in mind, sure- she's on the track team with me so it's not like she doesn't know I exist. While nothing can obviously start this year, I'm hopeful about next year. And even if it isnt with her, I still want to try and find that girl that I won't have to settle for. The type of girl that I'm trying to find is hard to describe without just sounding really shallow. I'm not saying that I want to find the really popular type that are gorgeous, but carry the rest of the stigma associated. I'm talking about a beautiful girl with a good, likeable personality who is good for me. And frankly, right now I kind of feel like thats what I deserve after all this time. I'm going to be good for any girl I date, thats just how I am, but this time around I want a girl thats going to be good for me, and to have everything I'm looking for.

A tall order? To be sure. But I'm oddly optomistic about this whole endeavour. I'm not entirely sure why either. I think part of it is because now I know what I want in a girl. I've always had a general idea, but now there's this concrete idea that I've got and I guess its just nice to know what I'm looking for. However, to catch this kind of girl, I'm going to have to start to be more assertive and a lot less shy.

But I've got all summer to work on that. It's going to be a fun time getting back into the game, let me tell you.

The Kid
~Platinum.

Why can't I find a pushy girl?

So I promised something a little more existential. I guess I should probably deliver. I have no idea if this is actually existential, but I'm typing it up anyway.
It feels much later then it is right now. Probably because by this point I'm so used to sleeping at 3 or something. It'll probably occur again tonight. I'm shooting for 2:15-2:30. We'll see how it goes.
I need a push right now
Theres a lot of work that I need to do, but that I don't actually want to do. I need someone here to push me to get everything done. I can start things by myself, sure, but I need someone there to make sure that I continue to work. Right now, I just don't have that person.
I wish I did, sure. This whole thing brings me back to looking for the right girl. I need her to be next to me, telling me to get my work done. I dont want someone who'll control my life, but I want someone who'll give me that push when I need it.
Which leads me to my ultimate point-
Why is it so hard to find a pushy girl? I dislike the gender stereotype of the guys having to do all the work. Why can't a girl initiate something for once? Say hello, talk to me or flirt sometime? As a guy, especially a sometimes shy one, its hard to talk to girls, specifically ones you dont really know and find attractive. So you end up sitting there, not saying much at all to anyone; at which point you feel more down on yourself and then you don't end up doing anything.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is- ladies, don't let guys do all the work. Give them a hand, and you never know what you're going to find. Maybe that quiet kid is really the nicest kid ever who just wants to take care of you. *cough* hint *cough* But you wouldn't know it cause sometimes he's just a little too shy, and a little too afraid of rejection.

The Kid
~Platinum

I need something amazing to watch, whether it be a movie or a tv show. Any suggestions?

[[EDIT]]

look out for something a little more existential later...

The Kid
~Platinum

Dear Someone

Dear Girl who played hockey with me this year and also pole vaults.

I hate you and you're a hypocritical elitist bitch. Also, you suck at both pole vaulting and hockey, no matter how awesome you proclaim you are. You ruined my day.

Go play in Traffic

The Kid
~Platinum

In a way, I'm not so sure it matters

Today I realized that we really only have 3 weeks left here. So how I feel doesn't really matter because I'm going to be gone soon. I am going to miss this place though, that's for damn sure.

The Kid
~Platinum

You look so defeated lying there in your new twinsized bed...

Well, it certainly has been awhile. I've been suffering from a combination of a general lack of apathy, general uncaringness and unmotivation, in more than just updating this blog.

I was seeing a psychiatrist for basically what I'm feeling now. Life is... repetitive to say the least. And its only more so here in college where I'm isolated from my family. I have a support structure here, to be sure and in general I'm in a much better place than where I was last year. But at the same time I can see myself sliding back to where I was this year. I need to keep the thoughts of the monotony away and I need to stay happy. Unfortunately, the more tired I get and the more work I have the more this creeps up and I'm always tired.
Track is playing the role of double-edged sword right now. It's a great time and I love (most- okay all really, theres just 1 kid I dont like) the kids on the team. But its what takes up most of my free time and its whats causing me to lose sleep. I need to find a good balance between track and work, and in order to do that I really need to organize my work ethic. But i'm finding that rather difficult of late. I'm getting more things done now that I'm dropping Diff eq. but still...
It's hard, to say the least. I'm wondering if I'm always going to be this busy.
The fraternity is a great support structure too, I'm glad they're there. If I didn't have all those guys, shit, I'd probably have stopped caring a long time ago.

As you may or may not have ascertained from the title of this post, I've been listening to a lot Death Cab for Cutie lately- specifically Narrow Stairs. I'm not entirely sure why but I guess its probably because their sound and lyrics has reflected my mood lately. The general melancholy that permeates their sound just sort of resonates with me right now. But while their lyrics are melancholy the sound is upbeat- to a point. And that's how I feel like I'm presenting myself. I'm upbeat on the outside, but if you start to listen, look I guess is more apt when examining a person, then you'll see whats really there.
It is good music though, regardless of the current state of your psyche. Also, I recommend The Protomen. They're a little hard to find (aka- they have one album and they're beyond indie) but I like their music. That may or may not be because they've created a rock opera about Megaman that is beyond epic in scope and because I grew up playing these games. Still, its good music if you can get over their occaisional less than stellar pitch and don't mind songs that can be fairly dischordant.
I'm not really sure what else to say. There are a few more things rattling around in my head but right now i'm not sure how to put them down. Maybe I'll get to that later tonight but I might not get to that until tomorrow. Now that I've blogged recently, I think I'll probably come back to updating more regularly.
I need to start carrying around a notebook so I can write down what I think of random things. Specifically, for when we're on 10 hour bus trips to nowhere and all you can do is think.

I'll leave you with these words.



You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
With a single pillow underneath your single head.
I guess you decided that that old queen was more space than you would need.
Now it's in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says it's free.

And I hope you have more luck with this than me.

You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in a space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?

Other than a sick desire for self-abuse.

And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like you're in some kind of hurry
to say goodbye,
say goodbye,
say goodbye.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.


The Kid.
~Platinum