You look so defeated lying there in your new twinsized bed...

Well, it certainly has been awhile. I've been suffering from a combination of a general lack of apathy, general uncaringness and unmotivation, in more than just updating this blog.

I was seeing a psychiatrist for basically what I'm feeling now. Life is... repetitive to say the least. And its only more so here in college where I'm isolated from my family. I have a support structure here, to be sure and in general I'm in a much better place than where I was last year. But at the same time I can see myself sliding back to where I was this year. I need to keep the thoughts of the monotony away and I need to stay happy. Unfortunately, the more tired I get and the more work I have the more this creeps up and I'm always tired.
Track is playing the role of double-edged sword right now. It's a great time and I love (most- okay all really, theres just 1 kid I dont like) the kids on the team. But its what takes up most of my free time and its whats causing me to lose sleep. I need to find a good balance between track and work, and in order to do that I really need to organize my work ethic. But i'm finding that rather difficult of late. I'm getting more things done now that I'm dropping Diff eq. but still...
It's hard, to say the least. I'm wondering if I'm always going to be this busy.
The fraternity is a great support structure too, I'm glad they're there. If I didn't have all those guys, shit, I'd probably have stopped caring a long time ago.

As you may or may not have ascertained from the title of this post, I've been listening to a lot Death Cab for Cutie lately- specifically Narrow Stairs. I'm not entirely sure why but I guess its probably because their sound and lyrics has reflected my mood lately. The general melancholy that permeates their sound just sort of resonates with me right now. But while their lyrics are melancholy the sound is upbeat- to a point. And that's how I feel like I'm presenting myself. I'm upbeat on the outside, but if you start to listen, look I guess is more apt when examining a person, then you'll see whats really there.
It is good music though, regardless of the current state of your psyche. Also, I recommend The Protomen. They're a little hard to find (aka- they have one album and they're beyond indie) but I like their music. That may or may not be because they've created a rock opera about Megaman that is beyond epic in scope and because I grew up playing these games. Still, its good music if you can get over their occaisional less than stellar pitch and don't mind songs that can be fairly dischordant.
I'm not really sure what else to say. There are a few more things rattling around in my head but right now i'm not sure how to put them down. Maybe I'll get to that later tonight but I might not get to that until tomorrow. Now that I've blogged recently, I think I'll probably come back to updating more regularly.
I need to start carrying around a notebook so I can write down what I think of random things. Specifically, for when we're on 10 hour bus trips to nowhere and all you can do is think.

I'll leave you with these words.



You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
With a single pillow underneath your single head.
I guess you decided that that old queen was more space than you would need.
Now it's in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says it's free.

And I hope you have more luck with this than me.

You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in a space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?

Other than a sick desire for self-abuse.

And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like you're in some kind of hurry
to say goodbye,
say goodbye,
say goodbye.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.


The Kid.
~Platinum