Life Sucks Right Now

I'm not going to sugar coat it- right now, I pretty much hate my life. All I have going for me is my relationship with Baby Bear, which is really helping to keep me afloat. I know that part seems less than enthusiastic, which I apologize for-I'm just really pissed and venting, but it really is true. Believe me, if I had the ability to actually generate praise or positive comments right now I'd write you a novella. You're my everything. I need you to be here for me. Thank you for doing that.
However, aside from that, my life here at school is crashing around me. I'm horribly dissatisfied with my major and I'm unable to switch because one of the professors is being a complete idiot about it. I'm trying to switch from Physics to Astronomy and I want to class which I lack the pre-req for next semester so that I'm not a complete year behind. In order to do this I need approval from the teacher. Here's what she said

I've consulted with others here in Astronomy, and the recommendation
for you is to wait until next year and then take ASTR 221 and ASTR 222
in the required order. As I've mentioned to you, I've never had such
a case, and from the rate examples of students doing this in the past,
the experience has not been positive - i.e it was strong students who
ended up having difficulties with the class.

So despite the fact that my case is unique, apparently I cant take the class because I'm destined to fail or something. I have no idea what the last phrase is even trying to say. Also, I cant take my japanese class because it doesnt fit in with my schedule for my other physics courses which I'm now stuck taking. Beyond that I cant take a required physics lab because I will also inherently fail that, even though in that case, there is no pre-req. So basically I only have 3 classes for next semester and I need at least 5. Also, I'm done my gen. ed requirements and I lack the requirements for any of the more advanced physics classes that I could possibly take. Therefore I pretty much have to take two classes which will benefit me in no way, shape or form. Not to mention I cant take astr 221 or the other physics lab because they're only offered in the fall. This is not what I want to be doing with my life. I'm not here to waste my time or (luckily, since this isnt the case for most I hear) my parents money. I'm here to learn and to get a degree so I can get out and go to grad school. Instead I've been trapped by an archaic system and now I'm pretty much destined to go 5 years whether I like it or not because now I just can't catch up.

I had a plan, to get out of something that I really wasn't enjoying and try and turn my experience at school back around- to become excited again. Instead I've been fucked over and left feeling less enthusiastic than I've ever been before. If you've got any advice, words of sympathy or just feel like telling me to grow up then I'd love to hear them.
Also, as a word of caution, this is really just me putting down my frustrations on a pseudo-anonymous website. Will I be okay in a couple days or even tomorrow? Yea, probably. But right now, I couldn't be less enthusiastic about pretty much anything. I just need an escape and this is a pretty good route right now.

The Kid
~Platinum

Restless and Alienated

The Title says it all. I'll discuss this at some point in the near future. Now's just not a good time. I'm thinking after my test Tuesday once I'm out of track.
So much work... Ugh. I hate school and what it's doing to everything. What I would give to change it all.

The Kid
~Platinum

Also, I realize this is a pretty crappy return to blogging. But we all have to start somewhere. Right? God I hope so.

This seems.. familiar somehow

So. Its late(ish). I should be studying. I'm not. I don't want to say this is a common thing, but it is happening every so often. It's probably just cause I've got a lot of free time and I don't know what to do with it. So I just end up sitting around saying that I will do stuff. At some point. I just felt like sharing this. Also, I'm suffering from general apathy in a lot of areas. I miss my girlfriend, who I'm going to refer to as BB from now on. Make fun of me if you wish, but thats what I'm calling her. I know she doesn't like it, cause BB is just an abbreviation. But thats the way it is. Feel free to guess what it stands for. I'd like that. Maybe I'll explain it at some point.
But yea, I really really miss her and its hard knowing that I'm not going to get to see her until the end of November. I might go home during fall break but I don't know if that's going to happen. My parents have to be willing to foot the bill for it and convincing them to do that could be really hard. But, as much as I miss her I still love her so even though were apart I don't feel separated. Does that make sense? And I know that I'll get to see her eventually and when I do she'll be just as happy to see me as I will be to see her. All it takes is time. In the meantime I need a webcam so I can setup Skype.
That's all for now I guess. I'm gonna go try and study. Try is the operative word.

The Kid
~Platinum

Let's Fight!

I'm not entirely sure why but for the past month or so I have had the incredible urge to punch something. And not just punch something, but actually fight. Honestly I have no idea why but in those times where I'm just idling around in my room even if I'm extremely tired I just sort of pace around and shadow box. I'm not angry, I'm not depressed, I'm not harboring any sort of rage- I just want to get into an honest-to-goodness slambang no-holds barred fight just for fun. I don't even think I'd fare all that well- I just want to. Maybe it would be fun.

So, on that note I'm trying to find a way to start up MMA fighting/ Muay Thai fighting when I get to school.

The Kid
~Platinum

ShamWoW! Or something like that...

You know, part of me can understand where the Stigma of playing WoW (World of Warcraft if you didnt know the abbreviation- somehow I doubt it though) comes from. Whenever I mention that I play people always look disgusted. How could you play such a game? Its terrible! they cry It'll ruin your life! and on and on they go. But I feel like I'm in the small number of players that aren't actually totally dependent on the game. I've seen what happens when someone gets addicted to WoW and I've heard the stories of people who do nothing but play the game all day.
I enjoy WoW but I dont feel any particular attachment to the game. If I dont play then its just like, so? I'm just acquiring rest experience while I dont play. You could make the arguement its better that I dont play often in that case. Its fun, but its like any other game- its something to play when I want to- and nothing more. It isnt an addiction, I dont play 6 hours a day, 7 days a week and I certainly dont have a server full of level 80's. In fact, I'm a large amount of play time away from having even 1 level 80, and the only reason I got to 60 was because I had triple experience for most of the time while I grinded. So at this rate, I'll get to 80 by the time the cap gets to 90. And given that Wrath of the Lich King just dropped its going to be like 2 years.
However, this is the part where I'm going to be hypocritical and go play some WoW. 3.2.0 just dropped and I need to see how badly they nerfed all my characters.

The Kid
~Platinum

I cant think of an indie enough title for this post...

But then again, maybe I just did.
Fallout boy would be proud.

Anyway, I'm blogging now because, well, there isnt really much else I actually want to do. I feel like I did when I was studying for finals in the library- reluctant to do anything at all besides sit and stare. I'm not really sure why, but I think it has to do with my being so tired of late.
I've been working catering shifts- which often entail basically 10 hours of hard labor and not much else. I'm not actually complaining about the work itself- I think its fun and its a good workout and it certainly helps that the pay isnt half bad either- but the following days after are less then pleasant. What compounds this is that I have to go to Y basically daily to work out for track. So this just makes me more tired. I'm piling layers of tiredness one on top of the other and I never really feel like doing stuff. But I have chores/jobs around the house to do so I do them to. It usually takes me a while to get started but I get them done eventually. Blah. I dont really mind I just feel kind of useless when I'm so tired. all I want to do is sit. How entertaining right? I think another part of that is that I'm kind of depressed. I havent seen the girlfriend in 3 weeks and I havent been able to talk to her for the past week. Shes out of the country and doesnt get service. And my circle of friends that are here in DE is unfortunately quite small, so I havent been able to do much. In short, I miss her. A lot.
But I digress...
Also, I've been sitting here for literally almost the past hour trying to get myself to play a video game but I just can't find one that I want to play. It doesnt help I have a relatively small selection (I'm at my dads and almost all my games are at my moms) but I just still cant get myself to play anything. I find it kind of funny that I finally beat FFX and now I cant get myself to play anything else. Okami requires too much effort to play right now, I dont feel like grinding in Persona 4, I dont want to start any of the devil may cry's, I have no idea where I am in Mass effect, I dont have access to SFIV online and thats the only place I want to play for the challenge, I dont want to grind in Blue Dragon and I dont feel like putting in the thought to make vehicles in Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts.
Thats all I have here.
But, I think that maybe, just maybe, I'll play some Persona 4. If i dont grind through this one day then I dont think I'll ever get anywhere in the game ever again.
Lets see what then, shall we?

The Kid
~Platinum

Okay, so you may not remember me but...

Guess What! Its life update time!!!!

This time around I can't really say that I've been working all the time and that I feel super busy and that I'm tired and blah blah blah... I worked an 11 hour butlering shift on Saturday from 2:30-1:30. It was incredibly tiring. It was a lot of heavy lifting and cardio and dishwashing. I think 5 of those hours were spent doing dishes, 5 were spent picking up and moving stuff and 1 of those was spent catching our breath and eating the wedding food which was just okay. The h'ors devours were good, but the main course was just okay. I didnt get to try the cake or the ice cream, but the dessert plates were pretty good. Yes, the people throwing this wedding had Cake, Ice Cream and Dessert plates. I have no idea why. And I had to be in at 11 on Sunday. That made it even better.
I was tired for like 3 days. Which would mean I was fine starting today... Yea that sounds about right.
Anyway, I started my summer workouts last week and I'm already quite impressed with the results. Those mainly being an extreme lack of energy. However, there seems to be an odd side effect of increased muscle mass. Not sure why. In fact, its a little unsettling sometimes. By the end of the summer I might even be, dare I say it, somewhat muscular? And by the time the winter season starts... actually buff?! Outrageous!
So, because of this mainly I've just been going to the local Y every day to do a workout and then I spend the rest of the day playing Monster Hunter Freedom Unite on my PSP. Exciting times I know.
However, at one point in time, I did have actual goals for my summer. They were kind of thrown out of whack a couple of weeks ago. I guess now I'll tell that story.
So, I have a big list of games that I want to beat this summer, and basically number one on my list is Final Fantasy X. So, I took some time, levelled up my characters and started the final set of boss battles... only to find out that my disc is way to scratched to continue. It just breaks down and freezes. Since then, I haven't had any desire to play any console games at all really. I spent most of may playing SFIV to get ready for returning to school but I havent played much since. I've mainly just been playing on a handheld. I got a different copy of FFX from a friend of mine so maybe actually sitting down and beating it will help me get back on track towards getting through at least part of the list I made up.
Also, I havent read nearly as much of the books that I have as I wanted but this doesnt really bother me. I'm kind of stuck in the book I'm reading now anyway, so its not much of a surprise. Its a great book, dont get me wrong, but for some reason I just cant read a whole lot of it at a time. Its called The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami, who I've recently discovered is my favorite author. If you find yourself in the possession of any of Murakami's works I highly suggest you read them as quick as you can. He writes Magical Realism Fiction and its amazing. His writing style is really unique and I have to admit I've started to compose my thoughts in a similar sort of style. There's now a small little something in the back of my mind to write a magical realism piece and I think I just might. When you've got nothing to do at work aside from stand there, your life can become surprisingly deep and magical.

Big News!!! Its thunderstorming!!!
I love thunderstorms for some odd and unknown reason. They're just... comforting. If they didnt involve rain I'd go sit outside and watch right now. I have to admit I'd kind of like to be struck by lightning at some point in my life just to know what it feels like.

Also, before I forget, I'd like to apologize for my departure from my usual writing style. I can't quite describe why, but right now I just can't write in the style I usually do. I'm going to attribute part of it to the fact that I'm currently listening to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on audio book, and I listened to the Goblet of Fire for the two weeks previous. The other part is going to go down to something that I just can't quite describe. Right now, it just won't come out the way I want it to. Instead it comes out as, well, this. Its interesting really.
Seriously though, read some Murakami. You'll understand better then.
I suggest; Kafka On the Shore, After Dark, Wild Sheep Chase or The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.
After Dark is a good introduction, because it isnt quite as out there as some of his other books, but because of this it just really isnt as good as the rest. But any of them are fine, as long as you understand that in no way are you going to understand whats going on for a while in the book, but you shouldnt put it down because of that. Read. Go. Now. I command you!
So, what else is there?
I guess I could talk about the Girl Friend...
We're still dating, and its gotten a bit more serious. I'm really afraid for whats going to happen when I have to go back to school. I'm really not going to want to leave her. I'm not really sure what to say on this matter. Its like, something that is just indescribable. I just can't do it. I try, and I compose the thoughts, but I cant put them down. Sorry, but thats all I can do, is say that.
I'll try and put everything together a bit better at some point. Hopefully soon. I'll definetly be posting stuff before I leave for vacation. It'll be two weeks away. I will have interenet access, but I'm probably not going to update beyond- "Went to the beach. Skimboarded. Got a tan"
That might get boring after a week. Or maybe it wouldn't. How would I know?

All in all my summer is going... well, I'd say. It certainly hasn't been exactly what I've wanted. More personal time than time to better myself but its been good. School wound me up tight, and this summer has so far just been a great way for me to slowly but surely unwind.
However, lately I have started transitioning from personal time to bettering time and my sense of satisfaction and unwinding hasn't really changed, which I take as a good sign.
Next year is going to be a good year. I just know it.

I'd better get going before the thunder knocks out the wireless. We've had a few surges already. Until Next Time! (Which will hopefully be soon...)

The Kid
~Platinum

On the Grid

I know that I said I'd be more on the Grid come June, and here we are almost halfway through and that has not happened at all. I am a dirty dirty liar, I know.
However, lately- as in the past two weeks- there have been a few legitimate reasons. First, I've been working a lot lately, at least, a lot more than when I started and more than I thought I would be. I even start doing catered events which means I'll be working even more. Higher wages is a plus though, and I can't complain about making money. I do love me some money.
The other reason, and probably the more important reason, is that I've been having a lot of girl problems lately. Sure it makes me thoughtful, but it doesn't exactly put me in a very sharing mood.
When I say "girl problems," I really just mean problems with one girl in particular who I like. We were kind of at a stand still in the whole relationship thing, stuck in the "dating" phase and not really able to move into the "relationship" phase. But, that changed tonight, cause I finally convinced her to give it a try. I'd rather find out it won't work now, instead of waiting for her to finally decide to start something, only to find out it won't work out. So, all in all, I guess I'm glad.
Now you might think, woah woah woah. You guess you're glad?
And I say, yea, guess. I care about her a lot, and I'm glad we're giving it a shot but I'm just really nervous about how its all going to work out. It's been a while since my last relationship, and this one is going to take a lot of maintenance and I'm just afraid I'm gonna fuck it all up. I've got the new bf jitters I guess. Plus if we do make it through the summer, I have no idea whats gonna happen when I have to go back to school. She's stuck in DE, and I don't know how I feel about a long distance relationship. Not right now at least.

I'll get more in depth with all this later. Right now, I need to talk to the best friend.

It's Late, I'm bored, one thing leads to another... you know

So, this is gonna be short.
I'm not entirely sure why, but I've always loved musicals. I just watched Singin' in the Rain, which is one of my favorites and now I'm watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. It's 3 in the morning and I'm watching what is quite possibly the most ridiculous musical of all time.
These men steal their own wives for crying out loud!
Anyway, I highly suggest you watch any musical you can if you've never seen them. Especially Singin' In the Rain
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
West Side Story

and anything else with ridiculous dance scenes, knife fights or anything that involves people walking around and snapping their fingers.

The Kid
~Platinum

6 Shots of Vodka + 4 shots of rum + 1 shot of Southern Comfort + 1 Beer = Platinum's First Hangover

More on this later, right now (not surprisingly) I have a headache.

I'll be back on the grid in a couple of days...

But first some poetry (That I did not write)


Who are we but strolling players,
Wand'ring through the long ago,
Joys and sadness, hopes and longings,
Keep us traveling onward though
The laughter and applause of others,
Who view the passing cavalcade,
Leave echoes hovering some far summer,
Floating round a woodland glade.
'Twas but a tale for your amusement,
Like my small unworthy rhyme,
Gone, alas, into those realms,
The land of once upon a time.



The Kid
~Platinum

Rawr

RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry I'm kind of mad right now for reasons I will go into sometime tomorrow maybe.
Also, Big Brother, I will get back to you on your message sometime tomorrow as well. Expect an email. Now is not the time.

The Kid
~Platinum

As a forewarning

I'm going to spend a lot of time off the grid this summer so I won't be posting too often. If I do, hopefully it'll be either a large or good update. We'll see how I stick to this.
And no, it's not because I'm getting tired of this or that I don't like blogspot or anything I just want to spend this summer centering myself.
And playing video games.
XP.

The Kid
~Platinum

Girls. All I really want is girls. And in the morning its... well, you get the idea.

For some reason, I really want to update, but there isn't really much that's thoughtful that I want to say. So, I'm going to talk about girls for a quick bit. I know, I talk about them alot, but we'll get to that in a minute.
So, recently- as in, in the past five minutes- I realized that my prospects for playing the game aren't very large. I've met my group of friends pretty much, and my interaction with freshmen will be limited outside of track given my major/minor and I don't know anyone at home. So at this point, I'm kind of down. Bleh.
So now you're probably thinking, okay, get to why you talk about girls so much. Well here you go.
I really want someone to be here for me, all the time. I've explained ideal traits before, so I won't go over them again, but you know, a girl who'll motivate me to do stuff and just be generally good for me. I have my friends who help now somewhat to be sure, but I really want someone who I know cares about me and who's good for me. Not just the other way around like it's been in the past.
Also, I want someone to rub my tummy, which as you all should know by now, I love.
And my lack of success this year has just given me a kind of bleak outlook for the future.

Also, as an aside, I tend to complain about a lot of stuff- in real life, and in this blog. Your best bet is to just process it and throw it out. It's harmless really, just me venting my feelings. Which, I suppose is what this thing is for.

Also also, thank you to everyone who has started a blog that I now subscribe to. You've made my time here on blogspot much more enjoyable. Also, now that I have stuff to read I will be visiting blogspot more often, and thus be more prone to updating. Thus, everyone wins!

The Kid
~Platinum

As an addendum to the last post, I would absolutely love it if any of you would comment on either this post or the last post with your reasons- and I mean really think about your REAL reasons- for your need to get good grades/ study all the time. If you don't want to, then that's perfectly understandable. Just throwing it out there as an interest of mine.

The Kid
~Platinum

At the library... again

So, I'm back at the library and once again I'm blogging before I do anything. I'm not sure why but when I get here I just feel compelled to blog about something. It just feels like a good way to start a stay at the library. I feel that this might become a habit. But we'll have to wait until next year to see I guess, especially considering there are only two days left. Two! I absolutely, 100% cannot believe I'm already done with freshman year. There's so much left for me to accomplish. So many people I haven't yet met. So many places to go and things to visit. I think I'm going to need to make myself a list for next year and tape it to my wall. That way, I'll know what I want to do and I can cross things off as I go. I think what this is really telling me is that I need to be more organized overall. While I'm happy with pretty much everything that went down this year, I really wish I had been more organized. But now I know what I need to do in order to achieve that goal, so I guess its not a total loss.
I'm once again really lacking in the motivation department today. There's just no incentive for me to stare at endless lists of practice physics problems. It doesn't seem like it could be all that helpful. I know that it will in fact be, especially given the style of the final and that I haven't looked at a physics problem in like 3 weeks and can't remember a damn thing. But still, right now it just doesn't seem worth it.
I wonder if it will ever seem worth it or if I'll just look back and say "Damn, why didn't I do better in college? What am I gonna do with myself now?"
Morbid I know, but it really seems that way sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with B's- but grad schools aren't. Which is terrible really, because B is supposed to still be "above average." And with rampant grade inflation across basically every subject everywhere, it really makes me wonder why we try for grades at all. I really wish school focused on learning rather than earning. I understand that tests and homework are there in theory to see if we're learning but thats not really how it works, let's be honest. Grades are just arbitrary letters handed out, they're rarely earned.
So what I want is for everyone I know, and for the system in general, to just take a deep breath and relax. Grades are not the be all end all of life. There are so many more important things we could be learning right now. But instead we're stuck being threatened with "bad" grades to pressure us into studying. And for what?
Ask yourself that. Maybe you'll justify this endless pursuit in some way or maybe you'll start to understand what the system is really like. I leave that choice up to you- but please, please- just relax for once. B's aren't bad grades and C's won't kill anyone.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.

The Kid.
~Platinum.

Fighters

When the fighters are all around
All the lovers are underground
No one will save you anymore
So what's happening, what you rapping about?
little boy. Is it cars? Is it girls? Is it money?
The world?

Most of you are probably familiar with these lyrics by now because of me, and if you aren't familiar with all of them then you should definitely be familiar with the last three lines.
They're from the song 'Fighters' by Lupe Fiasco, my favorite rapper. If you've never heard the song, then I suggest you youtube it. Or network it. And all Lupe's Music.
Anyway, you're probably wondering why I always use this song.
And honestly, I can't really say. What I can say, is that this song just really makes me think alot about what I want. While I'm not rapping, it helps me think about whats going on in my life and where I'm trying to go. Maybe it won't do the same thing for you, but I suggest you give it a try.

The Kid
~Platinum

Reason the First and Reason the Second

So, I wanted to make a real post at some point tonight, but I wasn't really bitten by the study bug until late and now I really should be getting to bed, so I'm just going to close with something simple.

I reached my goal 50 years ahead of schedule! Thats right, I now have 4 followers, even if one of you is, for whatever reason, invisible. So, I have a message for you 4 (3 really, one of you already does this- also this can apply to you even if you don't follow me.)
And that message is-
Blog!
I urge you to do this for two reasons.
Reason the First:
To me, blogging is almost therapeutic. Its a way for me to get stuff off my chest, or just to talk and bs about things that are on my mind. It's sort of like a diary, but anyone can read it. A friend of mine said he prefers a real diary- and I can definitely understand why. But to me this basically is my diary of sorts. Sure, I talk about a limited number of things, but they're things I would talk about in a diary anyway. And I've decided to put this whole thing on the internet knowing that not many people are going to read this, and that those that do, I wont mind it if they see whats here. I'm not slandering anyone really and I take care to hide people's identities. If you're mentioned, then you know who you are and thats that. I appreciate you reading, even though I'm too shy/embarrased to say it. Also, I kind of like writing about things that I wouldnt really talk about with people. It makes me vulnerable, to a point. People never really make themselves vulnerable to another person unless they're really good friends or intimate with each other- and this is a way for me to do that without either of those pre-requisites.

Reason the Second:
I urge you to blog because I only know one other person who blogs on blogspot and I want something to read! You can talk about anything- it doesn't have to be personal! I just want to read someone else's insights into stuff!
Yea... that's really it for that one- selfish I know, but I really think that there's a lot to be gained personally from blogging. Also, I want something to read.

If I come up with any more reasons to blog, I'll be sure to either edit this one and add to it or make a new post with Reason the Third, etc.
Until next time
Also, as an aside-
I haven't introduced any one new to the cast recently. Maybe I'll do that sometime soon...

The Kid
~Platinum

So I'm pretty sure this isn't the way it's supposed to work...

So, right now I'm in the library, a place I rarely go to for various reasons. But, given that finals are upon us- aka tomorrow- I thought it might be a good idea to go to a place devoted to studying. Unfortunately, the internet is not really cooperating, and so far, the only place i can do anything on, is my blog. So I thought I'd update.
Everything runs so slowly here. I suppose it's because alot of the people are using up bandwidth but still... our network is supposed to be amazing. And right now its not. SO I'm here instead.
I'm not really sure what to say, I suppose I could just ramble about one thing or another, like I'm doing now, but that doesn't really seem productive... Ironic neh?
I've always had trouble sitting down and dedicating myself to studying, and today just seems like another one of those days.

The Kid
~Platinum

My goal is to have 3 followers by, say... 2059

Not really though, I'm actually shooting for four. Enough with the silliness. Down to business. Not that I can really conduct business through a blog that no one reads... but I digress. However, some of the time, I do wish more people followed this blog. I'm not really sure why. Just knowing that someone, even if they're a completely random person, can see what i'm thinking and maybe commiserate in anyway is just sort of comforting. Its an odd feeling.

Anyway, there's a more important reason I'm here, honest. This is the time where we talk about my favorite topic. Girls. XD

Yesterday, a friend of mine's girlfriend and I were looking through my fb pictures because I was showing her a funny picture of me from like 5 years ago. My ex-girlfriend was in the picture, and she really hasn't changed much in appearance from then till now. So, after I mentioned who the girl was, my friends girlfriend remarked that I could do much better.

And that got me thinking. See, there's this girl that I thought I maybe liked, but I wasn't too sure, and plus the year is ending in like 10 days, so I'm not going to start anything now. I'm kind of on the downswing with her for various reasons, but after she said that I started thinking. And I realized maybe I'm just settling for someone that's in front of me and available. But maybe next year, I wont have to. I certainly shouldn't have to. I realized a couple days ago that what i really want is a girl who is in a class above me. I have one in mind, sure- she's on the track team with me so it's not like she doesn't know I exist. While nothing can obviously start this year, I'm hopeful about next year. And even if it isnt with her, I still want to try and find that girl that I won't have to settle for. The type of girl that I'm trying to find is hard to describe without just sounding really shallow. I'm not saying that I want to find the really popular type that are gorgeous, but carry the rest of the stigma associated. I'm talking about a beautiful girl with a good, likeable personality who is good for me. And frankly, right now I kind of feel like thats what I deserve after all this time. I'm going to be good for any girl I date, thats just how I am, but this time around I want a girl thats going to be good for me, and to have everything I'm looking for.

A tall order? To be sure. But I'm oddly optomistic about this whole endeavour. I'm not entirely sure why either. I think part of it is because now I know what I want in a girl. I've always had a general idea, but now there's this concrete idea that I've got and I guess its just nice to know what I'm looking for. However, to catch this kind of girl, I'm going to have to start to be more assertive and a lot less shy.

But I've got all summer to work on that. It's going to be a fun time getting back into the game, let me tell you.

The Kid
~Platinum.

Why can't I find a pushy girl?

So I promised something a little more existential. I guess I should probably deliver. I have no idea if this is actually existential, but I'm typing it up anyway.
It feels much later then it is right now. Probably because by this point I'm so used to sleeping at 3 or something. It'll probably occur again tonight. I'm shooting for 2:15-2:30. We'll see how it goes.
I need a push right now
Theres a lot of work that I need to do, but that I don't actually want to do. I need someone here to push me to get everything done. I can start things by myself, sure, but I need someone there to make sure that I continue to work. Right now, I just don't have that person.
I wish I did, sure. This whole thing brings me back to looking for the right girl. I need her to be next to me, telling me to get my work done. I dont want someone who'll control my life, but I want someone who'll give me that push when I need it.
Which leads me to my ultimate point-
Why is it so hard to find a pushy girl? I dislike the gender stereotype of the guys having to do all the work. Why can't a girl initiate something for once? Say hello, talk to me or flirt sometime? As a guy, especially a sometimes shy one, its hard to talk to girls, specifically ones you dont really know and find attractive. So you end up sitting there, not saying much at all to anyone; at which point you feel more down on yourself and then you don't end up doing anything.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is- ladies, don't let guys do all the work. Give them a hand, and you never know what you're going to find. Maybe that quiet kid is really the nicest kid ever who just wants to take care of you. *cough* hint *cough* But you wouldn't know it cause sometimes he's just a little too shy, and a little too afraid of rejection.

The Kid
~Platinum

I need something amazing to watch, whether it be a movie or a tv show. Any suggestions?

[[EDIT]]

look out for something a little more existential later...

The Kid
~Platinum

Dear Someone

Dear Girl who played hockey with me this year and also pole vaults.

I hate you and you're a hypocritical elitist bitch. Also, you suck at both pole vaulting and hockey, no matter how awesome you proclaim you are. You ruined my day.

Go play in Traffic

The Kid
~Platinum

In a way, I'm not so sure it matters

Today I realized that we really only have 3 weeks left here. So how I feel doesn't really matter because I'm going to be gone soon. I am going to miss this place though, that's for damn sure.

The Kid
~Platinum

You look so defeated lying there in your new twinsized bed...

Well, it certainly has been awhile. I've been suffering from a combination of a general lack of apathy, general uncaringness and unmotivation, in more than just updating this blog.

I was seeing a psychiatrist for basically what I'm feeling now. Life is... repetitive to say the least. And its only more so here in college where I'm isolated from my family. I have a support structure here, to be sure and in general I'm in a much better place than where I was last year. But at the same time I can see myself sliding back to where I was this year. I need to keep the thoughts of the monotony away and I need to stay happy. Unfortunately, the more tired I get and the more work I have the more this creeps up and I'm always tired.
Track is playing the role of double-edged sword right now. It's a great time and I love (most- okay all really, theres just 1 kid I dont like) the kids on the team. But its what takes up most of my free time and its whats causing me to lose sleep. I need to find a good balance between track and work, and in order to do that I really need to organize my work ethic. But i'm finding that rather difficult of late. I'm getting more things done now that I'm dropping Diff eq. but still...
It's hard, to say the least. I'm wondering if I'm always going to be this busy.
The fraternity is a great support structure too, I'm glad they're there. If I didn't have all those guys, shit, I'd probably have stopped caring a long time ago.

As you may or may not have ascertained from the title of this post, I've been listening to a lot Death Cab for Cutie lately- specifically Narrow Stairs. I'm not entirely sure why but I guess its probably because their sound and lyrics has reflected my mood lately. The general melancholy that permeates their sound just sort of resonates with me right now. But while their lyrics are melancholy the sound is upbeat- to a point. And that's how I feel like I'm presenting myself. I'm upbeat on the outside, but if you start to listen, look I guess is more apt when examining a person, then you'll see whats really there.
It is good music though, regardless of the current state of your psyche. Also, I recommend The Protomen. They're a little hard to find (aka- they have one album and they're beyond indie) but I like their music. That may or may not be because they've created a rock opera about Megaman that is beyond epic in scope and because I grew up playing these games. Still, its good music if you can get over their occaisional less than stellar pitch and don't mind songs that can be fairly dischordant.
I'm not really sure what else to say. There are a few more things rattling around in my head but right now i'm not sure how to put them down. Maybe I'll get to that later tonight but I might not get to that until tomorrow. Now that I've blogged recently, I think I'll probably come back to updating more regularly.
I need to start carrying around a notebook so I can write down what I think of random things. Specifically, for when we're on 10 hour bus trips to nowhere and all you can do is think.

I'll leave you with these words.



You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
With a single pillow underneath your single head.
I guess you decided that that old queen was more space than you would need.
Now it's in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says it's free.

And I hope you have more luck with this than me.

You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in a space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?

Other than a sick desire for self-abuse.

And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like you're in some kind of hurry
to say goodbye,
say goodbye,
say goodbye.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.


The Kid.
~Platinum

Maybe, just maybe

Maybe I'm just looking out for you, but you probably wouldn't notice anyway.
Nobody ever does.
Maybe its cause I care.
Maybe, just maybe.



The Kid
~Platinum

Hallelujah

As depressing as this song is, I will always love it...

Well I heard there was a secret chord
that David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this :
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah...

Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah...

(Yeah but) Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, (You know)
I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
and love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah...

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do ya
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Hallelujah...

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelu...
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelu...
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Sleep, or Something like it.

I'm becoming gradually more and more dependent on my iPod to get me to sleep.

In other news, I never realized how moving some of the music that I have is.


The Kid
~Platinum

Insomnia, Sort Of...

So, I'm not sleeping, but only because I was studying for real and i just wanted to post this up just so I don't forget it.

At some point, I want my close guy friends and I to refer to ourselves as the Lost Boys. I just think its a pretty awesome name for a group.
Yea, thats about it.
I just posted this so I didn't forget.


The Kid
~Platinum

the opposite of catching z's

Need to sleep, but I can't bring myself to get in bed. Why?

Lucidity will be updated sometime soon, I assure you

The Kid
~Platinum

Lucidity Pt. 2

I have more to say on other topics, but my lucidity has gone from me.
I'll elaborate on other concepts further when it does, so probably tomorrow night.
I'll just edit this post and replace it.

The Kid
~Platinum

Lucidity Pt. 1

Today I'm going to be somewhat existential and introspective. Feel free to not care.

Right now, i'm thinking clearly, lucidly. This doesn't happen often. It's an interesting feeling, to spin such poetic thoughts in your head, only to find out that there's no way you can explain them to others. This doesn't happen often for me, and it when it does, its not really a good thing. It only really happens when I'm tired, depressed, or feeling down on myself, or any combination of the three. Right now though, thats not really happening, aside from the tired part. I've actually sort of managed to restructure part of my life, and while it isn't the part that derives me much joy or pleasure, it is a very real and necessary part of my life. The college and studying part I mean. I'm actually doing that second thing. I'm actually quite happy about it. But there are drawbacks.
I'm not sleeping for a reason I can't really point out. I just don't want to. I can't convince myself to. My need to sleep has been overrun by a drive to study. Never thought studying would be so bad for me. But there it is. There are other things I should be doing now, like showering so that I can go to sleep. But I don't want to. So I'm here, thinking lucidly... It's like insomnia, only I'm not staring at my ceiling. My computer screen replaced that a long time ago.
I don't think I ever slept well. I'd always wake up to find my covers in a different place, or off my bed entirely. I often wake up hot and sweaty, or cold and well, sweaty. My friends say I move in my sleep, thrash. Sometimes I talk. I hardly ever remember my dreams- maybe 5 in the past 365 days. Why?
I'm prone to hypnic jerks. They happen often in class. Indicitive of my irregular sleep schedule. I can't stay awake though, can't focus. My sleep cycle is reversing. I guess you could say I'm becoming nocturnal. I don't understand why. I need to function during the day, there's so much to do. I need to slow down but I can't. I run to fast- push myself too hard. If I just keep moving I can't stop and look back- see how tired I am. See how much the race is killing me. It's a hard race, but I just keep running. I never can tell if I'm sick or not. If I push through and move then it won't matter, won't slow me down. Life shouldn't work that way though but thats the way I'm choosing to live it. I've got to keep running. I can't stop, won't stop.


And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death


~Pink Floyd



The Kid
~Platinum

B leh

I'm gonna keep this short cause I'm not really in a good mood right now, but sometimes I wish there was someone- and by someone I mean a female- who was here for me to comfort me and tell me its all going to be alright. Cause right now, I really don't think it will be.

Peace
The Kid
~Platinum

I'm Such A Tease...

I know I promised a real update, well technically yesterday, but we'll call it today, but right now I really can't think of what exactly to say that could possibly explain, not everything but something.
I don't know why but right now I'm just not feeling that poetic. However, when I do update with something that actually matters you can look forward to me discussing topics like:
-My Father's recent marriage and my own views on the subject
-The joys of reading
-My winter break thus far
-My life in general
-My feelings on blogging thus far (and no, I'm not tired of blogging)
-and many others!

Okay, well, maybe not many... but some. A few. You'll see as long as you check back in oh say... a week. Actually, I kid, tomorrow seems like an empty day.
Keywords of course being "seems" and "like."
So, until then,
Peace

The Kid
~Platinum

TIred and Sore, but not in that Order

I went snowboarding today for the first time in forever and so I am thus incredibly sore and incredibly tired. Therefore I promise I'll update tomorrow. I owe you guys a good one anyway.

The Kid
~Platinum